Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My therapist after every session
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.