Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
You Might Also Like
Moms. The original autocorrect.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Every damn time
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”