Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.