Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.