Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.