Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
channeling her this year
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.