Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
no cat here
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.