Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Every. Damn. Time.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle