Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather