Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?