mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*checks Timeline*…
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
I’d … I’d rather not.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.