Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Gemma Correll

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.