Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.