Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

😭🤣

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same