Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

All set.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one