Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
You Might Also Like
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”