Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

when someone rings the doorbell

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?