Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.