Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.