Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Happy Taco Tuesday

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna