Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.