Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..