Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Banana is the quietest snack

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

emergency phone

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.