Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.