Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
one of
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
It’s an epidemic…
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.