Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
mood
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.