*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Venn
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
¯_(ツ)_/¯
