Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Its a hippotatomus

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’