Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Bringing home a sharpie

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.