Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

shut up and take my money

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

How it started How it’s going

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys