@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

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@vornietom

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

No

@nayele18maybe

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@SteveKoehler22

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

@all_about_today

What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.