[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m crying im so happy for them
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl