U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before