@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

@Juststopkate

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

@Mikel_Jollett

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

@gabbybendel

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

@LionJenkins

Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@EtobicokeErnie

Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@InternetHippo

A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before