When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.
A journey of a thousand miles
running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.