Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Donkey Kong sommelier
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.