Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.