Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
felt that
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.