When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
You Might Also Like
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*puts words between two asterisks*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!