Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.