Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Bit chilly again tonight.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person