Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so good you see dead people.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

A short story about romance.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

What

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.