Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.