Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.