Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

What a website

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.