Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.