Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
How to draw a duck
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
the rocks need my help
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours