Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
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m’lady
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
😭😭😭
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
