Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.