Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.