Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.