Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I love the National Park Service.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.