Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes