Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).