Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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Not😆🤣
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet