Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.