Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
it was love at first sight
My god she’s good.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.