mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Yup
