Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

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The Chosen Phew

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.