mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Fiction has to make sense.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.