mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
You Might Also Like
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
😆this is so true
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs