Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
You Might Also Like
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no