Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
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me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.