Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
😭😭😭
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.