Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.