Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
handsome & gretel
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You learn something every day
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.