Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
You Might Also Like
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge