Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

“A little help here, Danny?”

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary