Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.