Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
