Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
went fishing caught a bass
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails