Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.