Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Thrilling chase underway
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.