Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.