Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?