Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

The fall of Netflix

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

so this horse walks into a bar

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right