Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that