Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Confused owl: What?!

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

I need to get some bricks…

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day