Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

Alexa, make me look good naked.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”