Most Common Source of Electricity
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes