Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muppet Screams

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

I only eat vegetarians.

are there any atheist mantises?

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”