Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.