Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
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Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Yaba daba do not resuscitate