Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.