Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
🙂🐾
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side